Tūpuna Parenting is
about decolonisation
Before colonisation, Māori parenting and whānau relationships were different to the colonials.
For colonial parenting at the time women were treated as property, children were to be seen and not heard, and physical punishment was normal at home and at school.
In contrast, Māori parenting was beautiful, and that beauty comes from our values.
Our tūpuna believed we are all born tapu (sacred) and born with mana. This meant that our pēpi and tamariki had voices that were listened to, cries that were responded to and were always treated gently by their whānau.
The two pou of Tūpuna Parenting
Our tūpuna believed pēpi were from the atua (spirit world), so were born tapu. But what does tapu really mean?
Pēpi are born with mana, which some people find surprising, but it's true! Mana has layers, but what are they?
What is tapu?
Tapu is commonly called sacred, but that’s not quite right. It also means ‘protected‘, ‘set apart‘ and ‘untouchable‘.
Don’t climb that maunga (mountain), don’t swim in that river, it’s tapu!
But… it’s also an inherited quality of all people. A quality that demands respect.
You were born tapu, and you still are.
What is mana?
Mana is often translated as prestige, authority, status, spiritual power and charisma. It goes hand in hand with tapu. If something is more tapu, it has more mana.
But there are layers to mana. It’s not just something you earn with age and contributions to your community. You inherit mana, from the atua (spirit world) and from your tūpuna. You are born with it. And your whānau, hapū and iwi helps you to solidify it and grow it.
Growing mana - being mana-enhancing - is the most important way to raise our whānau like our tūpuna.
“He tangi to te tamariki, he
whakamā to te pakeke”
"The cry of the child is the shame of the adult."
This whakataukī means that it was embarrassing for our tūpuna if pēpi cried for any reason. Respecting pēpi and tamariki starts with meeting their needs and responding to their voice.
So our tūpuna did what was needed to help them stop crying.
How did our tūpuna respect their whānau?
Our tūpuna showed pēpi and tamariki respect in many ways. Tamariki were guided rather than punished, and were never, ever yelled at or smacked.
Acknowledging mana
Our tūpuna respected pēpi and tamariki from birth, acknowledging their mana by respecting them like we would any adult.
Respecting our pēpi
Means meeting their needs and helping them to stop crying - their cries are their voice, and it was embarrassing for tūpuna if pēpi cried.
Respecting tamariki
Means listening to them, responding to them, never dismissing them. Our tūpuna gave tamariki a voice in the whānau, and so should we.
Our tūpuna didn’t smack
The colonials taught Māori to do that.
We know Māori were great warriors. These warriors were raised gently, without smacking.
And they raised their tamariki gently, too. This is a key part of tūpuna parenting.
“Tā te tamariki tāna nei mahi wawāhi tahā”
"It's the job of the children to smash the calabash"
This whakataukī is saying that tamariki will make mistakes, break rules and be ‘naughty’ – that’s their job as kids!
Our tūpuna understood that about tamariki, so didn’t get angry at them for any of it. Our tūpuna didn’t smack their kids, or yell at them in anger. They explained what they did wrong, and what to do next time.
Example stories from Liz's whānau
Everyone’s stories, their pūrākau, contain powerful learnings from our tūpuna. Here’s a short selection of ones from Liz's own whānau. You can find more on our pūrākau page.
My Nanny and Grandpa never smacked my Mum, Aunty, or Uncle. They also never raised their voices in anger, ever. This was their way of acknowledging the tapu nature of pēpi and tamariki.
My koro, Panikena Kaa (1872 - 1948), used to bury the whenua and pito of his whānau under a particular tree behind the house, all 16 or so. Sadly, the tree died after a storm. To him this tree was so tapu, that he held a 3-day tangi for the tree, showing the tree the respect it deserved as a tapu place.
For our whānau, one way we acknowledge tapu is with the treatment of the whenua (placenta) and the pito (cord stump). These are a part of māmā and pēpi and are tapu. They need to be treated respectfully so we bury them ‘at home’ wherever they may be. (Note: these whenua were unwrapped before being buried)
Research - Our kaupapa is evidence-based
PDFAncestral Parenting: Reclaiming Māori Childrearing Practices in the Wake of Colonial Disruption (2025)
This article investigates the colonial disruption of Māori parenting practices and its enduring effects on Indigenous identity and belonging. Published by Dr Joni Māramatanga Angeli-Gordon in Genealogy 2025, 9(2), 36; Special Issue Interrogating the Impact of Colonialism(s) on Indigenous Identity, Being, and Belonging.
LinkTraditional Māori Parenting (2011)
Written by Helen Mountain Harte M.A. and Dr Kuni Jenkins, this seminal report was the first of its kind about pre-European settlement, Māori child-rearing and parenting practices, with particular reference to socialisation and discipline.
PDFTūpuna Parenting Rangahau Strategy
Our Rangahau Strategy offers a rangahau journey that aims to explore, discover, and rediscover the wealth of knowledge preserved in oral traditions from our tūpuna on gentle parenting methods.
Early explorers were surprised by our parenting
Early explorers were surprised by our beautiful parenting ways, so they wrote about them in their books and letters.
